Road Trip Live!
Soul Mate is live blogging our road trip today over at Rapid Eye Reality. Because he's lapsed into paranoia, it may be a bit hard to follow. Nonetheless, if you care to catch up with us, have a look.
2:30pm Eastern.
I’m picking up the live blog that Soul Mate started on his blog…we’ve changed drivers and, thus, writers, oh and music selection. We’re back on X Country on XM. Bye, bye, Mama’s iPod.
If you want to see where we've been up until now, go back to RER
If the feds are still tailing us as Soul Mate suspects, they’re doing a damn good job of being surreptitious. We’re on a winding, two-lane highway about to cross into southwest Misouri. The last speed limit sign I saw said 35mph. That’s annoying.
We’re in farm country now, looks like soybeans for miles. The crops creep right up to the non-existent shoulder of this “highway.” I have a bit of an obsession with barns, and I suspect I’ll see a few along this road.
We just passed a “Drive Smart Kentucky” sign. I find that to be more than a bit amusing. Hey, I used to live in this state. I can say whatever I want.
Lots of stop and go here on Highway 60. Looks like the kids at Ballad County Middle School are fat, the kids at Ballard County Elementary are out on the playground, and the corn in these part has already been harvested.
My Little Sunshine is now watching Monsters Inc. The dog has been re-drugged, and Soul Mate and I are settling in for the final stretch.
2:45pm Eastern
Lots of mobile homes and falling-down buildings in this part of the world, and yet, it is beautiful country. It’s an odd manmade contradiction. It’s a beautiful day, by the way. It’s 85 degrees, blue skies with a few white wispy clouds.
We just passed a strange little place along this little highway. It’s called Suntastic Tanning Bed. When Soul Mate noticed it, he said, “Like you’re not going to have your coochie stared at in that tanning bed.” From the looks of it, I’d say there’s a good chance of peepers there.
Soul Mate is now very excited about the idea of taking a picture of my boobs next to the Wickliffe Mounds. I’m not sure he has heard about the whole sacred ground thing.
2:52pm Eastern
Soul Mate just exclaimed, “I sure hope we’re in Missouri!” Perhaps we should trade places again, folks.
Um. Yeah. Hopefully I’ll survive long enough to finish this sentence. We’re about the cross the Mississippi on a scary little bridge. Soul Mate is driving and taking a picture with his Blackberry, and it really stinks here. Besides that, someone just passed us going really fast in the wrong lane. A cop in an unmarked car? Stay tuned. We’re stopped just before the bridge. Omen?
2:56pm Eastern
Did I say the Mississippi River stinks? Soul Mate is now out of the car, barefooted, trying to check out what’s going on ahead of us. Sunshine just looked away from the DVD player long enough to exclaim, “Mommy! Look! There’s a boat on that ocean!”
2:58pm Eastern
Soul Mate had the window rolled down. He said, “Brush fire. Something’s burning.” I responded, “Is that why you have the window down, so we can smell it better?” “I just like the fresh air,” he says. He knows he’s just said something utterly stupid. I can see it in his eyes. He bounces back quickly, however. “I rolled it down because I got tired of smelling your smart ass.” Nice, sir. Nice.
3:01pm Eastern
Traffic seems to be moving again in the OTHER lane. Wonder what that means for us? We’re still sitting painfully still. Baking here on the Mississippi.
3:02pm Eastern
Cross your fingers and say your prayers, folks. We’re crossing this bridge. They are in fact doing work on the bridge and there is, in fact, a news crew here covering it. NBC 6 I’m assuming out of Paducah. Get me the fuck off of here.
3:05pm Eastern
“Hey, look! Another bridge! This one longer and skinnier,” Soul Mate said just as we turned off the godforsaken substandard bridge. Now entering Missouri. Watching commerce tug along the Mississippi. Soul Mate points out that the news crew was likely out of Cape Girardeau. That’s probably more close to right.
3:07pm Eastern
Looks like the smell that was burning our noses was some intentional burning of farmland. Lots of scorched earth to our left. The cows don’t seem to mind the smoke.
3:11pm Eastern
Looks like we might have lost our rolling internet connection. If you don’t know, we’re connected to the internet in my car through Soul Mate’s Blackberry. It’s worked quite nicely up until we entered BFE Missouri. Even in Kentucky.
3:13pm Eastern
This is a really sad part of the world. Soul Mate is guessing this is an area that was completely under water during the huge floods in the 90s. We can’t remember when it was, but that seems like a good theory. There are a lot of places that seem completely abandoned. Abruptly abandoned.
3:16pm Eastern
We’re back up and running.
3:18pm Eastern
Now entering Interstate 57. There is a Flying J within sight, and that makes Soul Mate scream, “Flying Jaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!”
There’s some sort of memorial on the side of the road that has a torn-in-half car with a cross in the middle. I’m guessing something bad happened there.
3:22pm Eastern
We’re back on two-freaking-lane road again. This blows with a capital B. Sunshine is getting antsy. He’s now coloring and watching Madgascar. Thank God for Pull-Ups.
3:24pm Eastern
Ah. Four lanes again. We can relax a little. It is flat here. Very flat. Still farm country. Soybeans to the left and mowed down corn to the right.
“Little Rivi-Airhead” is on XM X Country. Soul Mate says what I was thinking. “If I never hear this song again,” he says, “it will be too soon.” Amen.
The road is very white here. It’s reflecting the sun quite harshly, especially since I can’t wear contacts (and therefore sunglasses) right now. I seem to remember thinking this same thing when I was driving through this area by myself about 15 years ago.
3:31pm Eastern
Passing through New Madrid for now. It’s not pronounced like that lovely place in Spain, folks. It’s like mad-rid.
We just saw our first cotton field of the trip, and Mater honked his approval as we passed it. Soul Mate took Mater away from Sunshine a few hours ago because it was making too much noise. Now, just to spite him, the toy will start talking or making noise every time we hit a bump in the road. Now it’s worse. It’s in the front instead of the back of the car. Tee, hee, hee.
3:38pm Eastern
Seems like I’ve lost my internet connection again, and my hopes have been dashed. I thought we were getting pretty close to our destination when I saw a sign that said 228 miles. Damn. Soul Mate had to go and point out, “You remember Missouri is wiiiiiide at the bottom. Skinnier on top.” Yeah, hon. Kinda like me.
3:42pm Eastern
Internet is back up. Next stop: Dexter, Missouri Mickey Ds.
3:45pm Eastern
We just saw gigantic blocks of harvested cotton on the side of the road. I mean huge. They’re as big as a single-wide at least. Soul Mate has just rolled down the window to smell the burning earth. We just drove through a thick, white cloud of smoke that hung low over the interstate. These farmers are all in a time of transition here. Kind of like the mood in our car. The dog is freaking out. The kid is freaking out. Soul Mate is freaking out. I may not be writing this much longer.
3:50pm Eastern
Stopping at the Dexter Wendy’s. Perhaps the release will lighten the mood.
3:52pm Eastern
“Conspiracy Theory” is the song on XM X Country right now. Too bad Soul Mate is in the Wendy’s peeing. He’s a big fan of the conspiracy theory.
4:04pm Eastern
Back in the car. We’re 11 hours into this trip and the dog still won’t pee. We’re tried to get her to go in three perfectly fine patches of grass, but she wants nothing to do with it. She’d much rather trip in her sunny little spot in the car. Can’t say I blame her. Soul Mate is now ordering Frosties in the drive-through.
4:05pm Eastern
Back on the road. I’m going to eat me some chocolate goodness. Stay tuned.
Soul Mate has just threatened to throw Mater out on the highway.
4:17pm Eastern
Frosties inhaled.
OK, let’s see. Where the hell are we? We’re entering Butler County Missouri according to the signs.
Let me catch you up a bit.
After we left the Wendy’s, we passed a church. It was the Something Evangelical Free Church. My question is: is it an Evangelical-free church or an Evangelical free church? I mean, either way, that’s cool.
A few minutes later as we hit another bump, Mater screamed, “Ow!” Soul Mate said, “That thing complains more than you do.” “That’s harsh,” I said. “Yeah,” he replied. “I didn’t mean to insult him like that.” Smoked.
A few minutes down the road, we see the tractor portion of a tractor trailer pulling a car. Soul Mate says, “I’ve never seen an 18-wheeler pulling a car.” I say, “Um. It’s more like a 10-wheeler.” Pissed, Soul Mate replies, “That’s because it’s not pulling its trailer. Douche.” Yep. We’re ready to be out of this car.
4:31pm Eastern
We just had to exit AGAIN in order to stay on 60. Soul Mate points out that it feels like we’re going in a circle. He thinks we might be on our way back to Paducah. Quick! Check the bag! Did they accidentally give us a plastic knife with our Frosties? I want to slit my wrists!
4:36pm Easten
Soul Mate says he has no idea what’s between Poplar Bluff and Springfield except a whole lotta nuttin’. That’s 180 miles of nothing. Oh, wait! No! There is something. A lovely place called Van Buren is coming up in about 30 miles. What’s there, you ask?
Hold on.
4:39pm Eastern
Hold on. Something monumental has happened. Soul Mate has had it with X Country! I think that New Madrid fault must be shifting or something!
4:40pm Eastern
So what’s in Van Buren, Missouri, you asked? The world's largest natural spring at Big Spring's State Park, that’s what.
4:42pm Eastern
Listening to Wolf Blitzer on satellite radio, driving through Ellsinore, Missouri, population 363. Soul Mate says, “I’m not sure where they all live.” Frankly, I’m not either.
4:43 Eastern
Soul Mate says excitedly, “We get to go through Winona, too! Entering Winona! I love towns named after women! That’s my favorite thing!” Your favorite thing? Really? “Entering Winona” or ENTERING Winona? Seriously.
4:46pm Eastern
The Wolf Blitzer show is talking about a recent poll on the Iraq war. As we drive through Missouri, one of our dear friends is on his way back to Iraq. God, I wish this thing would end.
4:49pm Eastern
That didn’t take long. We’re back on X Country. Nothing like war talk to get us back to “Silos and Smokestacks.”
4:56pm Eastern
Whew! We just passed a state trooper going 80mph in a 55. He pulled off. Soul Mate thinks he had a hard on for the guy was trailing. “I’m just flouting the law all over the place.” “I’d already paid the ticket in my mind,” he adds.” Perhaps we should Slow. The. Fuck. Down.
4:58pm Eastern
Text message from our buddy, Ryan:
“here's a great thing to do on road trips: bet on how many opposite-direction cops you can flip off before one of them turns around and pulls you over out of spite.”
He doesn’t know how close we were to getting thrown in jail!
5:00pm Eastern
Soul Mate is almost begging to get a ticket. “I almost wouldn’t mind getting a ticket at this point. I’m due. It’s been ten years at this point. Frankly, with my record, I’m surprised I’m not being recruited as a mule or something.” Hey, Mr. Federale, he’s just joking, ‘kay?
5:07pm Eastern
Not so flat anymore. Now it’s windy. Very windy. Soul Mate is now flouting the law and the signs that warn of certain death taking these curves too quickly. I think he’s tired of driving. Frankly, I’m tired of him driving, too.
5:11pm Eastern
Deer! Brakes! No. Not a deer! Coyote! Mercifully, the coyote didn’t join the squirrel on my tires.
5:15pm Eastern
Now Entering Winona. Soul Mate cums in his pants.
5:17pm Eastern
“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch is now on The 90s on XM. Soul Mate has agreed to allow me to listen to it in return for him getting to pleasure himself while entering Winona. Soul Mate remarks only, “Somehow, he’s a much better actor than…than…well, whatever this is.”
5:20pm Eastern
Newly potty trained child is screaming from the back that he needs to poop. There is NOTHING. NOTHING…anywhere around here. Fortunately, he’s wearing a Pull-Up, and the only thing that’s getting hurt is his poor little soul.
5:26pm Eastern
Salvation in the form of a log cabin-looking joint called Lucky’s. Hopefully, they have indoor plumbing here. Soul Mate and Sunshine are on a quest to find out.
5:27pm Eastern
Some dude with a pack of Marlboros hanging out of his shirt pocket just looked at me like “What in the holy hell are you doing, woman?!?” I’m sure he’s one of those people who call the television station saying, “Dot com? Dot com?!? We ain’t got no dot com down here! Why don’t you just tell me what’s on it!”
5:34pm Eastern
Officially leaving Lucky’s in Meth Country, USA.
By the way, they did have indoor plumbing, and my boys did use it.
5:40pm Eastern
We’ve busted out the Wheat Thins and the fruit chews. The kid is going to eat the dog if I don’t make use of the magic snack bag.
6:03pm Eastern
Haven’t posted in a while. Been busy IMing with Soul Mate’s work colleague. I think I’ve said some inappropriate things. Oops. I want out of this car. I’m a little cagey.
6:07pm Eastern
I guess NoDamnWhere is a good place to spend rush hour. There’s not a lot of rushing going on around here. Now officially entering Texas County. Not as funny as Entering Winona. It’s just where we are.
6:09pm Eastern
In about three minutes, our whole family will have been in this car for twelve hours. That’s a long damn time. We’re still not there yet.
6:12pm Eastern
We pass the twelve hour mark in the budding metropolis of Cabool, Missouri. “Flatland Boogie” is on the radio. I’m not sure, but I think Soul Mate has stopped talking to me. Did I mention I hate this song?
6:22pm Eastern
Springfield: 61 miles
Soul Mate has developed Restless Leg Syndrome.
Sunshine is trying to keep himself from peeing his pants by whacking himself in the junk. I’m trying to convince him this is a bad idea to no avail.
6:38pm Eastern
I stand corrected. The junk-hitting worked. Sunshine made another successful bathroom stop in NoDamnWhere. Hopefully, this is our last stop before we make it to where we’re going.
6:41pm Eastern
I’m officially starving. We’re all very much looking forward to some of Soul Mate’s mama’s home cookin’.
6:42pm Eastern
Apparently, there’s a cattle auction going on here in Norwood, Missouri right now. The dog is NOT pleased.
6:44pm Eastern
It’s very pretty here. We’ve gotten out of trashy and into an area where families take pride in their land. I’ve noticed a lot of tiny roadside cemeteries in this area. It would be interesting to see if they’re just family plots on family land. They’re all in the middle of lots of farmland.
6:47pm Eastern
The setting sun is very hot right about now. For the first time today, I’ve had to point the AC vent in my direction.
6:48pm Eastern
Just passed a sign that said “Laura Ingalls Wilder Home and Museum.”
Campbell, love ya, but we ain’t stoppin’ this time.
6:50pm Eastern
Soul Mate just ripped a massive belch. “That was from the soul, baby!” he screams. Indeed.
6:54pm Eastern
Allison Krauss singing “Oh Atlanta.” Some things are just beautiful. That’s one of them.
Now entering Webster County
6:56pm Eastern
I think I might have unusually large nostrils. Maybe I’ve just been staring at them too long.
6:57pm Eastern
Soul Mate says we’re now seeing billboards for things that are past where we’re going. That’s got to be a good sign, right? Get it? Sign! Ha!
6:59pm Eastern
Soul Mate just saw a sign with a horse and buggy that said “Share the Road.” That’s not the same “Share the Road” sign we’re used to seeing.
7:04pm Eastern
Yep. Huge nostrils. AND a double chin. Where’s that plastic knife from Wendy’s?
7:06pm Eastern
The kid has just had a small bowl of Wheat Thins, a small bowl of Puffs, and two bags of fruit chews. He’s still hungry!
I’m glad Soul Mate is driving. The sun is blazing right now, almost straight at our faces. It’s miserable riding. Driving without sunglasses would really suck.
7:09pm Eastern
Observation from Soul Mate: “It’s just too long in the car when I saw the sun rising in my rearview mirror and setting right in front of me.” Yeah. Uh huh.
7:12pm Eastern
As he passes another cop going at least 15 miles over the speed limit:
“I’m invisible! I’m invisible! That’s a Rogersville police officer. He’s got nothing else to do, and he’s STILL not pulling me over! I’m invisible to these guys!”
7:14pm Eastern
God bless America. We’re in Greene County. Finally. Not there yet, but closer.
7:16pm Eastern
A little comic relief in the form of a song: “Fat Women in Trailers.” God bless America. Again.
7:22pm Eastern
Getting off on Highway 65. We’ll call it a day here. I may never blog again. Sweet Jesus.
2:30pm Eastern.
I’m picking up the live blog that Soul Mate started on his blog…we’ve changed drivers and, thus, writers, oh and music selection. We’re back on X Country on XM. Bye, bye, Mama’s iPod.
If you want to see where we've been up until now, go back to RER
If the feds are still tailing us as Soul Mate suspects, they’re doing a damn good job of being surreptitious. We’re on a winding, two-lane highway about to cross into southwest Misouri. The last speed limit sign I saw said 35mph. That’s annoying.
We’re in farm country now, looks like soybeans for miles. The crops creep right up to the non-existent shoulder of this “highway.” I have a bit of an obsession with barns, and I suspect I’ll see a few along this road.
We just passed a “Drive Smart Kentucky” sign. I find that to be more than a bit amusing. Hey, I used to live in this state. I can say whatever I want.
Lots of stop and go here on Highway 60. Looks like the kids at Ballad County Middle School are fat, the kids at Ballard County Elementary are out on the playground, and the corn in these part has already been harvested.
My Little Sunshine is now watching Monsters Inc. The dog has been re-drugged, and Soul Mate and I are settling in for the final stretch.
2:45pm Eastern
Lots of mobile homes and falling-down buildings in this part of the world, and yet, it is beautiful country. It’s an odd manmade contradiction. It’s a beautiful day, by the way. It’s 85 degrees, blue skies with a few white wispy clouds.
We just passed a strange little place along this little highway. It’s called Suntastic Tanning Bed. When Soul Mate noticed it, he said, “Like you’re not going to have your coochie stared at in that tanning bed.” From the looks of it, I’d say there’s a good chance of peepers there.
Soul Mate is now very excited about the idea of taking a picture of my boobs next to the Wickliffe Mounds. I’m not sure he has heard about the whole sacred ground thing.
2:52pm Eastern
Soul Mate just exclaimed, “I sure hope we’re in Missouri!” Perhaps we should trade places again, folks.
Um. Yeah. Hopefully I’ll survive long enough to finish this sentence. We’re about the cross the Mississippi on a scary little bridge. Soul Mate is driving and taking a picture with his Blackberry, and it really stinks here. Besides that, someone just passed us going really fast in the wrong lane. A cop in an unmarked car? Stay tuned. We’re stopped just before the bridge. Omen?
2:56pm Eastern
Did I say the Mississippi River stinks? Soul Mate is now out of the car, barefooted, trying to check out what’s going on ahead of us. Sunshine just looked away from the DVD player long enough to exclaim, “Mommy! Look! There’s a boat on that ocean!”
2:58pm Eastern
Soul Mate had the window rolled down. He said, “Brush fire. Something’s burning.” I responded, “Is that why you have the window down, so we can smell it better?” “I just like the fresh air,” he says. He knows he’s just said something utterly stupid. I can see it in his eyes. He bounces back quickly, however. “I rolled it down because I got tired of smelling your smart ass.” Nice, sir. Nice.
3:01pm Eastern
Traffic seems to be moving again in the OTHER lane. Wonder what that means for us? We’re still sitting painfully still. Baking here on the Mississippi.
3:02pm Eastern
Cross your fingers and say your prayers, folks. We’re crossing this bridge. They are in fact doing work on the bridge and there is, in fact, a news crew here covering it. NBC 6 I’m assuming out of Paducah. Get me the fuck off of here.
3:05pm Eastern
“Hey, look! Another bridge! This one longer and skinnier,” Soul Mate said just as we turned off the godforsaken substandard bridge. Now entering Missouri. Watching commerce tug along the Mississippi. Soul Mate points out that the news crew was likely out of Cape Girardeau. That’s probably more close to right.
3:07pm Eastern
Looks like the smell that was burning our noses was some intentional burning of farmland. Lots of scorched earth to our left. The cows don’t seem to mind the smoke.
3:11pm Eastern
Looks like we might have lost our rolling internet connection. If you don’t know, we’re connected to the internet in my car through Soul Mate’s Blackberry. It’s worked quite nicely up until we entered BFE Missouri. Even in Kentucky.
3:13pm Eastern
This is a really sad part of the world. Soul Mate is guessing this is an area that was completely under water during the huge floods in the 90s. We can’t remember when it was, but that seems like a good theory. There are a lot of places that seem completely abandoned. Abruptly abandoned.
3:16pm Eastern
We’re back up and running.
3:18pm Eastern
Now entering Interstate 57. There is a Flying J within sight, and that makes Soul Mate scream, “Flying Jaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!”
There’s some sort of memorial on the side of the road that has a torn-in-half car with a cross in the middle. I’m guessing something bad happened there.
3:22pm Eastern
We’re back on two-freaking-lane road again. This blows with a capital B. Sunshine is getting antsy. He’s now coloring and watching Madgascar. Thank God for Pull-Ups.
3:24pm Eastern
Ah. Four lanes again. We can relax a little. It is flat here. Very flat. Still farm country. Soybeans to the left and mowed down corn to the right.
“Little Rivi-Airhead” is on XM X Country. Soul Mate says what I was thinking. “If I never hear this song again,” he says, “it will be too soon.” Amen.
The road is very white here. It’s reflecting the sun quite harshly, especially since I can’t wear contacts (and therefore sunglasses) right now. I seem to remember thinking this same thing when I was driving through this area by myself about 15 years ago.
3:31pm Eastern
Passing through New Madrid for now. It’s not pronounced like that lovely place in Spain, folks. It’s like mad-rid.
We just saw our first cotton field of the trip, and Mater honked his approval as we passed it. Soul Mate took Mater away from Sunshine a few hours ago because it was making too much noise. Now, just to spite him, the toy will start talking or making noise every time we hit a bump in the road. Now it’s worse. It’s in the front instead of the back of the car. Tee, hee, hee.
3:38pm Eastern
Seems like I’ve lost my internet connection again, and my hopes have been dashed. I thought we were getting pretty close to our destination when I saw a sign that said 228 miles. Damn. Soul Mate had to go and point out, “You remember Missouri is wiiiiiide at the bottom. Skinnier on top.” Yeah, hon. Kinda like me.
3:42pm Eastern
Internet is back up. Next stop: Dexter, Missouri Mickey Ds.
3:45pm Eastern
We just saw gigantic blocks of harvested cotton on the side of the road. I mean huge. They’re as big as a single-wide at least. Soul Mate has just rolled down the window to smell the burning earth. We just drove through a thick, white cloud of smoke that hung low over the interstate. These farmers are all in a time of transition here. Kind of like the mood in our car. The dog is freaking out. The kid is freaking out. Soul Mate is freaking out. I may not be writing this much longer.
3:50pm Eastern
Stopping at the Dexter Wendy’s. Perhaps the release will lighten the mood.
3:52pm Eastern
“Conspiracy Theory” is the song on XM X Country right now. Too bad Soul Mate is in the Wendy’s peeing. He’s a big fan of the conspiracy theory.
4:04pm Eastern
Back in the car. We’re 11 hours into this trip and the dog still won’t pee. We’re tried to get her to go in three perfectly fine patches of grass, but she wants nothing to do with it. She’d much rather trip in her sunny little spot in the car. Can’t say I blame her. Soul Mate is now ordering Frosties in the drive-through.
4:05pm Eastern
Back on the road. I’m going to eat me some chocolate goodness. Stay tuned.
Soul Mate has just threatened to throw Mater out on the highway.
4:17pm Eastern
Frosties inhaled.
OK, let’s see. Where the hell are we? We’re entering Butler County Missouri according to the signs.
Let me catch you up a bit.
After we left the Wendy’s, we passed a church. It was the Something Evangelical Free Church. My question is: is it an Evangelical-free church or an Evangelical free church? I mean, either way, that’s cool.
A few minutes later as we hit another bump, Mater screamed, “Ow!” Soul Mate said, “That thing complains more than you do.” “That’s harsh,” I said. “Yeah,” he replied. “I didn’t mean to insult him like that.” Smoked.
A few minutes down the road, we see the tractor portion of a tractor trailer pulling a car. Soul Mate says, “I’ve never seen an 18-wheeler pulling a car.” I say, “Um. It’s more like a 10-wheeler.” Pissed, Soul Mate replies, “That’s because it’s not pulling its trailer. Douche.” Yep. We’re ready to be out of this car.
4:31pm Eastern
We just had to exit AGAIN in order to stay on 60. Soul Mate points out that it feels like we’re going in a circle. He thinks we might be on our way back to Paducah. Quick! Check the bag! Did they accidentally give us a plastic knife with our Frosties? I want to slit my wrists!
4:36pm Easten
Soul Mate says he has no idea what’s between Poplar Bluff and Springfield except a whole lotta nuttin’. That’s 180 miles of nothing. Oh, wait! No! There is something. A lovely place called Van Buren is coming up in about 30 miles. What’s there, you ask?
Hold on.
4:39pm Eastern
Hold on. Something monumental has happened. Soul Mate has had it with X Country! I think that New Madrid fault must be shifting or something!
4:40pm Eastern
So what’s in Van Buren, Missouri, you asked? The world's largest natural spring at Big Spring's State Park, that’s what.
4:42pm Eastern
Listening to Wolf Blitzer on satellite radio, driving through Ellsinore, Missouri, population 363. Soul Mate says, “I’m not sure where they all live.” Frankly, I’m not either.
4:43 Eastern
Soul Mate says excitedly, “We get to go through Winona, too! Entering Winona! I love towns named after women! That’s my favorite thing!” Your favorite thing? Really? “Entering Winona” or ENTERING Winona? Seriously.
4:46pm Eastern
The Wolf Blitzer show is talking about a recent poll on the Iraq war. As we drive through Missouri, one of our dear friends is on his way back to Iraq. God, I wish this thing would end.
4:49pm Eastern
That didn’t take long. We’re back on X Country. Nothing like war talk to get us back to “Silos and Smokestacks.”
4:56pm Eastern
Whew! We just passed a state trooper going 80mph in a 55. He pulled off. Soul Mate thinks he had a hard on for the guy was trailing. “I’m just flouting the law all over the place.” “I’d already paid the ticket in my mind,” he adds.” Perhaps we should Slow. The. Fuck. Down.
4:58pm Eastern
Text message from our buddy, Ryan:
“here's a great thing to do on road trips: bet on how many opposite-direction cops you can flip off before one of them turns around and pulls you over out of spite.”
He doesn’t know how close we were to getting thrown in jail!
5:00pm Eastern
Soul Mate is almost begging to get a ticket. “I almost wouldn’t mind getting a ticket at this point. I’m due. It’s been ten years at this point. Frankly, with my record, I’m surprised I’m not being recruited as a mule or something.” Hey, Mr. Federale, he’s just joking, ‘kay?
5:07pm Eastern
Not so flat anymore. Now it’s windy. Very windy. Soul Mate is now flouting the law and the signs that warn of certain death taking these curves too quickly. I think he’s tired of driving. Frankly, I’m tired of him driving, too.
5:11pm Eastern
Deer! Brakes! No. Not a deer! Coyote! Mercifully, the coyote didn’t join the squirrel on my tires.
5:15pm Eastern
Now Entering Winona. Soul Mate cums in his pants.
5:17pm Eastern
“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch is now on The 90s on XM. Soul Mate has agreed to allow me to listen to it in return for him getting to pleasure himself while entering Winona. Soul Mate remarks only, “Somehow, he’s a much better actor than…than…well, whatever this is.”
5:20pm Eastern
Newly potty trained child is screaming from the back that he needs to poop. There is NOTHING. NOTHING…anywhere around here. Fortunately, he’s wearing a Pull-Up, and the only thing that’s getting hurt is his poor little soul.
5:26pm Eastern
Salvation in the form of a log cabin-looking joint called Lucky’s. Hopefully, they have indoor plumbing here. Soul Mate and Sunshine are on a quest to find out.
5:27pm Eastern
Some dude with a pack of Marlboros hanging out of his shirt pocket just looked at me like “What in the holy hell are you doing, woman?!?” I’m sure he’s one of those people who call the television station saying, “Dot com? Dot com?!? We ain’t got no dot com down here! Why don’t you just tell me what’s on it!”
5:34pm Eastern
Officially leaving Lucky’s in Meth Country, USA.
By the way, they did have indoor plumbing, and my boys did use it.
5:40pm Eastern
We’ve busted out the Wheat Thins and the fruit chews. The kid is going to eat the dog if I don’t make use of the magic snack bag.
6:03pm Eastern
Haven’t posted in a while. Been busy IMing with Soul Mate’s work colleague. I think I’ve said some inappropriate things. Oops. I want out of this car. I’m a little cagey.
6:07pm Eastern
I guess NoDamnWhere is a good place to spend rush hour. There’s not a lot of rushing going on around here. Now officially entering Texas County. Not as funny as Entering Winona. It’s just where we are.
6:09pm Eastern
In about three minutes, our whole family will have been in this car for twelve hours. That’s a long damn time. We’re still not there yet.
6:12pm Eastern
We pass the twelve hour mark in the budding metropolis of Cabool, Missouri. “Flatland Boogie” is on the radio. I’m not sure, but I think Soul Mate has stopped talking to me. Did I mention I hate this song?
6:22pm Eastern
Springfield: 61 miles
Soul Mate has developed Restless Leg Syndrome.
Sunshine is trying to keep himself from peeing his pants by whacking himself in the junk. I’m trying to convince him this is a bad idea to no avail.
6:38pm Eastern
I stand corrected. The junk-hitting worked. Sunshine made another successful bathroom stop in NoDamnWhere. Hopefully, this is our last stop before we make it to where we’re going.
6:41pm Eastern
I’m officially starving. We’re all very much looking forward to some of Soul Mate’s mama’s home cookin’.
6:42pm Eastern
Apparently, there’s a cattle auction going on here in Norwood, Missouri right now. The dog is NOT pleased.
6:44pm Eastern
It’s very pretty here. We’ve gotten out of trashy and into an area where families take pride in their land. I’ve noticed a lot of tiny roadside cemeteries in this area. It would be interesting to see if they’re just family plots on family land. They’re all in the middle of lots of farmland.
6:47pm Eastern
The setting sun is very hot right about now. For the first time today, I’ve had to point the AC vent in my direction.
6:48pm Eastern
Just passed a sign that said “Laura Ingalls Wilder Home and Museum.”
Campbell, love ya, but we ain’t stoppin’ this time.
6:50pm Eastern
Soul Mate just ripped a massive belch. “That was from the soul, baby!” he screams. Indeed.
6:54pm Eastern
Allison Krauss singing “Oh Atlanta.” Some things are just beautiful. That’s one of them.
Now entering Webster County
6:56pm Eastern
I think I might have unusually large nostrils. Maybe I’ve just been staring at them too long.
6:57pm Eastern
Soul Mate says we’re now seeing billboards for things that are past where we’re going. That’s got to be a good sign, right? Get it? Sign! Ha!
6:59pm Eastern
Soul Mate just saw a sign with a horse and buggy that said “Share the Road.” That’s not the same “Share the Road” sign we’re used to seeing.
7:04pm Eastern
Yep. Huge nostrils. AND a double chin. Where’s that plastic knife from Wendy’s?
7:06pm Eastern
The kid has just had a small bowl of Wheat Thins, a small bowl of Puffs, and two bags of fruit chews. He’s still hungry!
I’m glad Soul Mate is driving. The sun is blazing right now, almost straight at our faces. It’s miserable riding. Driving without sunglasses would really suck.
7:09pm Eastern
Observation from Soul Mate: “It’s just too long in the car when I saw the sun rising in my rearview mirror and setting right in front of me.” Yeah. Uh huh.
7:12pm Eastern
As he passes another cop going at least 15 miles over the speed limit:
“I’m invisible! I’m invisible! That’s a Rogersville police officer. He’s got nothing else to do, and he’s STILL not pulling me over! I’m invisible to these guys!”
7:14pm Eastern
God bless America. We’re in Greene County. Finally. Not there yet, but closer.
7:16pm Eastern
A little comic relief in the form of a song: “Fat Women in Trailers.” God bless America. Again.
7:22pm Eastern
Getting off on Highway 65. We’ll call it a day here. I may never blog again. Sweet Jesus.
7 Comments:
Have a safe trip. Miss you guys!
Are you stopping in Sikeston for Throwed Rolls? You're almost there.
-Chilly
Cotton fields? In Missouri? Geez...I need to get out more.
And btw, the flood was in '92. I was present for the St. Louis area of portion of that tragedy.
Sorry, but the real flood was '93.
You didn't stop at the New Mad-rid fault?
You two are craking me up and keeping me entertained this afternoon. Thanks! See ya on Saturday!
you've got to stop at Lambert's on the way back for the throwed rolls and fried okra. Time your departure so you can stop in Sikeston for lunch.
P.S. I thought I was bad about not stopping on a trip but you guys are crazed.
SSG Geezer (Ret)
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